Her Eyes
by Mrs. Singing Violin
Summary: After Endgame, Tom Paris observes the captain's eyes, and decides to do something about what he sees.


Title: Her Eyes  
Rating: K+  
Author: Singing Violin  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Disclaimer: The characters and universe are not mine.  
Summary: After Endgame, Paris observes the captain's eyes, and decides to do something about what he sees.

When I first met Captain Janeway, her eyes were dancing with adventure, and I knew at once that I was about to be taken on the ride of my life.

Once, when I was wrongfully accused of murder, Captain Janeway's eyes were full of sympathy and worry and determination, and despite my pain, I felt safe.

Then, when I let her down, she had such a look of disappointment in her face, I almost cried, right there in front of her.

There was so much joy in her eyes as she told me to kiss my new bride, that I wanted to kiss her, too.

So it was quite a shock to see the emptiness, the resignation, the hurt in her eyes right at the moment that should have been her crowning triumph.

We were home.

She wasn't.

As she sent me to Sickbay to be with my wife and newborn daughter, I resolved to find her later, to find out what was bothering her.

Usually, I'd stay out of these things, but it was clear upon casual observation that her two usual confidantes were otherwise occupied. I knew she'd had her dark moments during our years aboard this ship, and one or the other of them would always be there to help, to make sure she pulled through. But now, Tuvok was ill, and Chakotay...well, I wasn't sure what was up with him, but I'd noticed a bit more distance between the command team than usual, and suspected what was on her mind had to do with him.

While my wife and daughter slept, I ventured out and found the captain in her quarters.

"Come," she called, her voice as welcoming as ever, and for just a moment I questioned my decision to visit her.

I entered, and it was clear she was not expecting me. Who she was expecting, I'm not sure.

She quickly recovered. "Oh, hello Tom! What can I do for you this evening? How are B'Elanna and the baby?"

I paused a moment, studying her eyes, just in case I'd been mistaken. "They're fine, Captain. Great, really, and sleeping. I... I actually came here to ask if _you_ were all right."

She was taken aback, I could tell, wondering what gave me the nerve to ask or even the impression that the question was pertinent.

"I don't know what you mean," she responded carefully, and her eyes were guarded then.

"Something's on your mind," I insisted. "I've known you a long time, Captain, and I can tell, and maybe it's not my place, but you've been there for me so many times, and I feel like...well, I'd like to return the favor."

She smiled sadly then, folded her arms, and turned away. "That's sweet, Tom, but I'm fine."

"With all due respect, Captain," I continued, "you're not. You're...hurting. And if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but at least I'd like to give you a hug, if that would be all right."

I fidgeted in the silence then, waiting for her reply.

Finally, she turned back around and looked into my eyes, studying my motives perhaps. "All right."

I was stunned even as I quickly closed the gap between us and took my captain into my arms. I don't think she was aware of how tightly she was squeezing, and I wondered how long it had been since she'd embraced another human being. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes at the thought of this woman, who had more than once saved my life and possibly my soul, being without even the basic comfort of a hug for far too long.

Finally, she pulled away. "Thanks, I needed that."

I nodded. I still had no idea what was troubling her, and I didn't expect her to tell me.

But then, she invited me to sit.

As I sat beside her on her couch, I saw those empty eyes plead with me to listen and to understand, but yet she did not speak.

"Captain?" I questioned hesitantly.

She studied me with those haunted eyes for a while longer before finally breaking the silence. "I have a lot on my mind," she admitted. "Tuvok's illness, worry about the crew, how they'll adjust, especially the Maquis and the others who have lost their families in the war. We won't be on the ship anymore; our crew will scatter; I won't be able to be there for them in the same way."

"What about you, Captain? Who will be there for you?" I asked boldly.

She shrugged. "My sister and my mother, I suppose. And whoever I get for a crew for my next command, if they let me command another ship..." Her voice trailed off then.

"You're the best captain in Starfleet! Why wouldn't they let you command another ship?"

That got a wan smile out of her. "Very sweet of you to say, Tom, but you're biased. There are a lot of reasons they could give to prevent me from commanding another ship. I guess I just...have a bad feeling about it."

She took my hand then and squeezed it between both of hers. "I really do appreciate your concern, Tom, but you'd probably best get back to your family. And I'll be fine, no matter what happens."

Then it occurred to me, she hadn't even mentioned _him_. "What about Chakotay?" I asked.

She looked at me sideways, strangely. "What about him?"

My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew this was sensitive ground I was treading, but I needed to press forward before she kicked me out. "I mean, have you spoken with him? Do you know his plans?"

"No," she admitted. "But he's his own person; he can do what he wants."

It was clear she was not expecting to have him in her life, which was quite a surprise, given how close they'd become. It was obvious to all of us how much they meant to each other, at least until lately.

I grew even bolder, even as a little voice in my head urged me to stop before I got myself into trouble. "Did something happen between you two?"

"What? No, of course not. At least, I don't think so," she replied. She seemed flustered.

"Well, something's going on," I observed. "A year ago, he'd be here, now, talking to you, instead of me."

"A year ago he wasn't with Seven," she admitted, then clamped a hand to her mouth. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

I was glad she'd let it slip, though, even as my blood boiled with anger for her. "Chakotay's dating Seven? Why?"

She shrugged. "Beats me. It's really none of my business. He made that clear. He didn't even tell me...all he said was that he 'had plans' every time I asked him to lunch or something. I had to hear it from the admiral."

"Oh, Captain, no wonder you're..." I had no words, so I quit talking then and just pulled her back into my arms. It seemed like the right thing to do, and she didn't object.

When she pulled away this time, she made no attempt to hide the tear working its way down her cheek, and my heart broke in two, seeing her like this. "I've got to talk to him," I finally decided out loud, and almost got up to leave right then to confront him.

She grabbed my hands again, this time desperately. "Please don't. It... it shouldn't bother me. I'm sure I'm just overwhelmed with everything. Exhausted. It's fine. I'm fine." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself, rather than me.

"Captain, if I may, it's okay to be upset. You've lost a lot, and he was with you through all of it, and now...now you've lost him."

She nodded and whispered, "And I don't even know why."

I shook my head. "Me either, but I want you to know, I'm still here, and you're welcome at my home any time. I mean that. Any time. Three in the morning, whatever. I'm sure we'll be up at all hours anyway with the baby, at least for a while."

She sobbed a bit then, somewhere between a laugh and a cry, and then pulled me towards her once more. "Thank you, Tom. You don't know how much that means to me. But speaking of the baby, you'd best get back. I'll come visit when you're all settled in. Let me know."

This time when I pulled away, I saw a glimmer of hope in her eyes, and it was more reassuring than any other look she'd ever given me. "Go," she insisted, and I obeyed.

As the doors opened, I turned around once more to see her standing, tears in her eyes.

"Go," she urged once more, and I nodded and left.

She'd be all right, I'd make sure of it. And Chakotay, well, he could go to hell.


End file.
